he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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