chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
