Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I wish there were birth control emojis
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
