You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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