just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
