I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
COCAINE IS GR8
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
