Umm I'm too high to move.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
