She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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