I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
