can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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