Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
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It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
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6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize