so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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