This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
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you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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