Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
