Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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