I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
