ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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