I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
