I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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