I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
