When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
