Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
