Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
