if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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