Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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