I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
