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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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