Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
