Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
