I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
