WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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