i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
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