Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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