My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my being single is dangerous.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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