checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
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Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?