I puked a lego.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
