She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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