Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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