i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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