why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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