I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize