literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
