im drinking this country out of the recession.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
