I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
