maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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