i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
