Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
