I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
