I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
