Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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