I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
