This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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