I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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