I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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