Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
