Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
