i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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