If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
