The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
