I faked an abortion last night.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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