I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
