so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
