I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
