I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
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he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
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smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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