tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
