To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
